I used to love playing with my Barbie doll. She was so gorgeous and glamorous, with her shiny, cascading locks, fancy electric blue eyeshadow, and long, flirtatious eyelashes. And her body? Oh, please! Her teeny little waist looked fabulous in everything from glittery gowns to retro bikinis, and those long legs carried her from her dream house to Ken’s red Corvette and back to Barbie Academy, where was really good at math.
But I do remember one thing being horrifically wrong with Barbie, a bodily deformation that made me beg my mom to buy me a Barbie Burqua to shield her from prying eyes and innocent babies.
I mean, that doll had huge, fat, tree trunk ankles. They were hideous, a smidge bigger than the circumference of my Venti skim latte cup but not quite as big as Tyler Perry’s Madea.
If Barbie has cankles, then what exactly do you call these Redwood stumps connecting my knees to my Size 10 flippers?
Thankfully, French shoe designer Christian Louboutin is on a mission to change all of that. The man responsible for those uber-expensive, red-soled high heels we always see on rich actresses is about to release a set of new and improved Barbie dolls, complete with slimmer ankles.
A Louboutin spokesperson told Women’s Wear Daily, "He found her ankles were too fat."
Louboutin's PR team actually released a statement saying that while the designer loves Barbie's ankles, he thinks her arch needed "a little lift" so she "can rock those high heels."
Backing up the deluded designer’s decree, plastic surgeon Dr. Michelle Copeland appeared on CBS News, where she said, Barbie “really doesn't have a full curve to the calf and it goes straight down to the ankle."
OK, so what he’s telling us is the doll who has long been lauded/rued for her “perfect” yet entirely unattainable body is, in fact, ugly and in need of radical plastic surgery. Sweet. That’s the kind of feel-good news that helps me sleep at night…buried under two pairs of flannel pants, three pairs of tube socks and some fuzzy cow slippers SO MY HUSBAND DOESN’T HAVE TO SEE MY HIDEOUS CANKLES!
I guess the silver lining in all of this is that Louboutin’s revamped Barbie will be out in time for the holidays, so we can all purchase her for our daughters and nieces, thus sparing them the kind of sad, cankle-filled childhood I was forced to trudge through. Some other hits I’m hoping to see on Target’s shelves:
Liposculpted Cabbage Patch Kids
Malibu Tan Snow White (with free mini bottle of Hawaiian Tropic SPF 4 Glitter Oil)
Hello Kitty, Electrolysis Version (because whiskers are so 1980 feline)
Hungry Hungry Bulimic Hippo
Big Wheels – Now With Calorie Gauge and Heart Rate Monitor!
Bonus Anabolic Steroid Edition G.I. Joe
Latisse-d My Little Pony
No More Speech Impediment! Donald Duck (comes with $4000 orthodontia gift card)