My husband and I have been trying for over three years to have a baby. So many months have gone by and all we concentrate on are my cycles. We live in two week increments. Eventually one day you wake up and you realize that your whole life has passed you by.
I don't consider myself to be obsessed and I have truly tried to live my life to the fullest, but it still hurts when I hear of someone I know in real life announcing their pregnancy. It's not so much jealousy as it is a knife in my heart, reminding me of my failure. This is supposed to be so easy and yet it's so hard!
Sometimes I feel like such a big baby because I know there are people who have gone through this so much longer and endured so much more. I'm at the point now where I just don't care. You know how when people ask, "How do you find the strength to go on? How do you get over that fear of having another miscarriage?" Then we always say (or at least I do) that our only other option is to not try at all and then we definitely won't succeed. We tell them that the desire to have a baby outweighs our fears. Well, I'm not so sure mine does anymore.
To be totally honest, I'm thinking more and more about just making the best out of my life without children. I sit here and I think, "My God, I've been trying for a year now to get pregnant and when I finally do I'll probably just end up miscarrying again." I look at it as a terrible waste of my time.
There are times, too, when I think the fear has won. I dread going through another ectopic pregnancy and having all those blood tests and shots. I dread going through another miscarriage only days or weeks after finding out I'm pregnant and then having to start all over again.