Trying to Conceive: Finding the Strength

I knew that I had reached a new point in my life when my sister-in-law said that she and my brother were going to try to have another baby next summer. Before, I would have thought, "Oh, I hope I have a baby by then," or maybe, "I hope I'm pregnant by then." This time, when I heard it, I just thought to myself that it would happen for them and I probably still wouldn't be pregnant, much less have a child by then. I used to always think of how close in age my child would be to his or her cousins or friends' children and now I don't do that. I've passed too many milestones and have been disappointed one too many times to keep doing that to myself.

I have a lot of fears, too. I fear that maybe once I actually have a child I'll realize I made a huge mistake. I'll wonder why on earth I poured so much energy into trying to have a baby when my life was just great with only me and my husband and our menagerie of pets. Of course, I hear from people who have children that I won't feel that way and I'll be a great mom. But, after thinking about this for three years, you start to have doubts.

In the end I've decided to just see what happens. I charted last month and I didn't get pregnant. I don't think I'm even going to bother with it this month. One of my New Year's resolutions was to aggressively pursue a pregnancy. It's six months into the year and nothing has happened so I'm giving up. There, I said it!

If I don't get pregnant "by chance" I guess I'll live what the Carters, authors of "

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