New season, new beginnings everyone! The long awaited premiere of Ugly Betty opens with a scene from the telenovela. Betty is the maid, and mistress (of course the two seem to go hand-in-hand with one another) caught in action with cowboy Henry. Enter preggers Charlie -- drinking, smoking, and armed. She threatens to kill the two, and Henry runs back to her leaving Betty behind. Betty wakes up.
Cut to Hilda who wakes up alone, asking, "Where'd you go?" Out pops Santos from the washroom door! He's alive!! He looks surprisingly good from surviving a gunshot wound, with a huge bandage wrapped around his torso.
Escaped cons Claire and Yoga hide out in the Hamptons and devise a plan to get Claire in to see her family. Does this scene look like it came out of Monster In Law to you? Is it just me or does Claire resemble Jane Fonda?
Coping with the stress of her unknown biological parents, Amanda finds a new creamy-centered lover that has gone straight to her butt. Her apparent weight gain has Willy calling her Betty by accident. She snaps quickly and calls for an emergency meeting with her parents.
At the hospital, we see Daniel a little bruised up, his broken leg hanging suspended in the air. Alexis is still in a coma, Daniel is still hooked on drugs (moving on to painkillers now). Wrought with guilt, he can’t even step into her ICU room. Willy continues to take advantage of the fact that the Meade children are still at the hospital after their horrific car crash. The witch pushes forward with her marriage plans with Bradford and her takeover of his empire.
Marc and Amanda pay a visit to her parents’ home to find out whether the late Mode editor-in-chief Fey Sommers is truly her mother. We meet the Tanen’s as they are about to have a four-way with their new “Internet” friends, Bob and Elaine. Awkward.
We learn that Amanda is indeed Fey Sommer’s bastard child. Her adoptive father has “lethargic sperm,” and doesn't that just explain everything? Amanda’s father is still unknown…
During an elevator ride, Marc notices that Amanda and Bradford share similar mannerisms.. .could she be? Hmm… this could get a little interesting. If Bradford is really Amanda’s father, then Daniel is Amanda’s (half) brother -- whom she slept with -- “a lot.” A little Cruel Intentions-style incest never hurt anyone. Marc proposes a DNA test.
Betty hits her head, falling to the ground, and is now wearing an eye patch. A quick trip to the doctor tells her that her blood pressure is too high, but she has no time to heed to the warnings as she tries to meet with her father’s lawyer. Back at the office, Betty gets a little nostalgic when she sees a bouquet of dried-up pink Gerber daisies along with a note saying “Thinking of you,” from Henry. Awww.
Cut to the Mode photoshoot for Katrina victims. The feature stars women who have survived tragedies and get a fabulous makeover from Mode. Betty cracks during a heartfelt moment and says there isn't enough styling gel in the place to heal these women -- and it is agreed by Sheila (Wil’s new #1 ass kisser) that she’s right- there isn’t enough styling gel.
After her breakdown at the shoot, Betty ends up at a fries shack. Daniel surprisingly drops by and tells Betty to get ready for a funeral. Huh?
Little Justin abandons his summer camp and the craft of macaroni necklace-making and escapes to Mode, toting a stolen bottle of glitter. His talent for fashion is discovered when he shows his sense of style by accidentally assisting for a shoot -- and by his memorization of Coco Chanel quotes.
After many failed attempts by Amanda to get a DNA sample from "Dadford," Marc does the dirty work and gets Bradford’s, um, ear hair. Delicious.
Claire offers to sign Mode over to Wil if only she will leave her family alone! Oh the love. Dressed as a nun, Claire and Wil meet. Except it's not Claire, and it's Wil. Yoga is dressed as a nun and meets Marc, dressed as Wil. Back at the office, the real Claire and Wil have a showdown, and before the police arrive to take Claire back behind bars, Claire knocks Wil out and downs a shot.
Daniel and Betty attend the funeral -- of Henry and her memories of them. Daniel buries a little bit of his past, too. He confronts the reason for the accident -- and his guilt -- and ends his affair with drugs.
The episode closes with a bittersweet montage of Betty’s eulogy and Santos’ vows for Hilda. Daniel finally gets the nerve to step into Alexis’s ICU room and apologizes. She wakes up and seems to suffer from memory loss. And by memory loss, I mean, transsexual realization! She doesn't understand why Daniel keeps calling her Alexis and not Alex. Oh boy, er, girl!
Back at the Suarez house, our favorite little elf Justin gets an official intern title at Mode. Looks like the Chanel quote paid off. Betty enters Hilda's dark room and aks if she’d like to help with dinner.
Hilda, who is alone and in tears, says, “He’s gone Betty… that’s the first time I’ve said that out loud.” Wait, what?? Was that entire memory just a dream sequence? The wedding dress wasn't real? The vows weren't real? Santos being alive wasn't real? Talk about a twist!
Finally, the episode ends with the return of Henry! Dun dun dun...
Burning questions for next week:
1. What’s going to happen with the Henry-Betty saga?
2. Is Henry really the father of Charlie’s baby?
3. Will Ignacio return from Mexico?
4. Is Alexis a man now?!
5. Santos is dead? WHY! (clearly in denial here)
6. Can Claire take on Wil and get her family back?
7. Is Bradford Amanda’s biological father?
What did you guys all think of the premiere? Love it, hate it? Did it tie up the loose ends for you from last season’s finale? Can somebody tell me that Santos is not really dead? What do you think is going to happen on next week's episode?