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Et tu, food? You're one of our favorite things in the world, but sometimes you just make us feel like idiots. Whether it's because you're disguising yourself as a lookalike ingredient or just wreaking havoc on our taste buds, we never know when you're going to strand us in a classic "F-My-Life" kind of moment.
Somehow, we just keep falling into these treacherous food traps:
1. Too much hot sauce
One minute you're sitting around with friends trying to add a little spice to your taco, and the next a tsunami of Frank's hot sauce is gushing out into your mouth--causing you to cry harder than the first time you saw Titanic. You can suck it up and drink some milk, but the damage has already been done.
2. Eating broccoli...and not realizing it got stuck in your teeth
Eating broccoli is terrific. It's a food that makes you feel like a giant devouring a village of tiny trees. But once that forest is gone, its remnants tend to hang around your gums and make awkward appearances during every post-lunch conversation--until you look in the mirror. Forget you, broccoli; we always liked peas better.
3. Using salt instead of sugar (or vice versa)
How do you take your coffee? A splash of milk and a packet of terrible? It's bad enough that, to the distracted eye, sugar and salt look exactly the same. But the fact that we package both in tiny packets and keep them next to each other on the counter? Unforgiveable.
4. Shaking the ketchup bottle way too hard
Why do you refuse to release your delicious tomato-flavored sauce from its glass prison, you stupid Heinz jail cell? Maybe if we just smack the bottom a little harder...
Annnnd perfect. Now your burger is drowning in an ocean of ketchup, and you look like a fool.
5. Dicing up jalapeños and then touching your eye
We swear we don't constantly have our fingers in our eyes. But for some reason, without fail, we find it's impossible to cut up a jalepeno and not accidentally graze our eye with our hand. Or have a sudden, drastic contact-lens emergency. Ouch.
6. Running out of cheese
Is there anything worse than opening the cheese drawer and seeing nothing but the clear plastic bottom staring back at you? The answer is no. There definitely isn't.
7. Not realizing your milk expired until you've poured it over your cereal
Not only have you now realized that your milk is so old it's changing from a liquid to a solid, but you've also ruined a perfectly good bowl of cereal. Looks like it's the day-old donuts in the break room for breakfast again.
8. Cracking a tiny piece of egg shell into the bowl
It's not that you don't know how to crack an egg. But somehow, one tiny piece of shell likes to sneak its way in and hide in plain sight at the bottom of the bowl. You can reach your finger in there and try to scoop it out, but it's just going to dodge you every single time. ~Sigh~
9. Grabbing a metal spoon after it's been sitting in a pot of boiling water
Put the spaghetti in the pot, give it a stir, walk away for a second, and then come back and grab the spoon. And shout every obscenity you've ever learned. It happens to us every time, and it's never going to stop. F my L.
10. Forgetting to spray a pot or pan before cooking
Was that pan expensive? We hope not, because for the rest of its days it's going to be wearing the charred remains of whatever it was you tried to fry up. It may carry that scar like a battle wound, but all you'll carry is the shame.