The Unofficial Desperate Housewives
Guide to Seduction

They're sassy, spicy and ‑- when it comes to sex appeal ‑- anything but desperate. We all have a favorite housewife, but what makes these ladies such hot stuff? And which gal's seduction style would work best for you? I'll explain why Gabrielle, Susan, Lynette, Bree and Edie have got it going on ‑- and how you can, too. That's right: It's time to win him over, the Wisteria Lane way.

Are you like Gabrielle (Eva Longoria)?

Her character: An ex-model with everything she's ever wanted, including a rich husband, a big house ‑- and a torrid affair with her barely legal gardener.

Her seduction style: Her lavish lifestyle means clothes, glorious clothes, and every single outfit is chosen to ensure Gabrielle's gorgeous bod and face are shown off in the best possible way. But even without the clothes, she'd still be the center of attention. Brazen, bold, outrageously exhibitionistic, sensationally selfish and with a soaring sex drive, Gabrielle is every man's wet dream. Except maybe her husband's ‑- he spends most of his time disturbed by (justifiable) suspicions of her infidelity.

Get his attention, Gabrielle style: The trick to copying Gabrielle's come-hither flirting style is poise and pose. Everything about your look should reek "rich." The way you stand, sit and particularly walk should shout "well bred." Then, and only then, can you get away with supersuggestive Gabrielle-isms, such as throwing your head back and literally looking down your nose at your victim, one hand at your throat, fingers trailing toward your cleavage as you whisper one of her classic double entendres. The unspoken message: "I'm sizing you up. Will you be lucky enough?"

Make the first move: Gabrielle takes what she wants rather than waiting for it to be offered, and she has no doubt that whoever she chooses will give her just what she asks for. So go ahead, ask.

Keep him panting: Have semipublic sex. Yes, you might get caught, but if you're a Gabrielle, that would only make it more erotic. The next time you're driving to his parents' house, make the trip there much more memorable by unzipping his trousers and going down on him while he drives (slowly). Or, drag him into the bathroom at the next party and do it against the sink. It's sex stripped of all its niceties. And (if you use lubricant), an urgent quickie can be just as satisfying as a long, luxurious session.

Possible pitfalls of being a Gabrielle: Beautiful women, especially confident beautiful women, are scarier to men than a flickering TV during the Super Bowl. Gabrielle types make the first move because they have to ‑- men are terrified of them.

Are you like Susan (Teri Hatcher)?

Her character: She's the good girl on the block, a pretty divorcee and single mum.

Her seduction style: The sort of man who might scurry away from the predatory style of, ahem, some of Susan's neighbors, ends up by the side of sweet Susan, the antithesis of the sexy siren. All wide-eyed and fresh-faced, hers is a lethally lusty combination of girlish looks and passion under wraps. The childlike optimism is refreshing, but when she settles in to hook up with the neighborhood hottie, Mike the plumber, it's clear there's a dark, wicked side lurking just below the innocent exterior.

Get his attention, Susan style: If you're a darling Susan type, play it coy. Tilt your head to the side (to show interest), tuck your chin under (to be sexily submissive), push your hair behind your ears (for vulnerability) and slightly narrow your eyes, making them smolder. Think girl next door meets bad girl. This what-you-see-isn't-necessarily-what-you-get technique is a form of psychological stripping. In other words, once you've projected a certain image of yourself to the person you fancy, such as that of an innocent pushover, for example, you then reveal a totally unexpected side of yourself ‑- by, say, cheekily pinching his bottom on the way back from the bathroom. A seeming Ms. Innocence who turns out to be feisty and fun will get a ton of attention. Unpredictability is incredibly sexy, especially when you're combining two extremes.

Make the first move: ...but not too fast! Susan made Mike wait because she wanted the perfect sex session with no interruptions ‑- but by doing so, she inadvertently upped the odds that they'd both have much better sex when it finally happened. The longer you put off penetrative sex, the more you explore each other's bodies thoroughly, learning what you both like and don't like. I call it "simmering": keeping things hot and heavy without actually taking anything to the point of orgasm. Plant killer kisses on his neck, enjoy plenty of hand action and a "taste" of oral (demonstrate how fabulous you both are at it, but don't finish off). When you do follow through, all the built-up anticipation and teasing will make for a spectacular first time.

Keep him panting: The next time you're out, wait until no one's looking your way, then grab his hand and sweetly kiss his palm. Keep holding it there, then, with your tongue flat, swirl it in slow, wet, sexy circles while holding eye contact. You'll effectively be giving his palm oral sex ‑- and making his penis very jealous!

Possible pitfalls of being a Susan: Obvious naivety can make you look both needy and ditzy. If you're a Susan, you're in love with being in love ‑- dangerous stuff! It often means your choices in men aren't thought through properly. Make sure to look for what he's really all about, as opposed to seeing only what you want to see.

Are you like Lynette (Felicity Huffman)?

Her character: A former career girl, she's now a stay-at-home mom with four kids under the age of six. With a wimpy husband who doesn't seem to help out much, she's (not surprisingly) the scruffy one who has neither the time nor the inclination to put on makeup.

Her seduction style: Lynette has a determined stride instead of a wiggle, and point-blank refuses to join the rest of Wisteria Lane in their look-at-me fashions. In the traditional sense, her character is undisputedly the least sexy of all five women. But ironically, this form of "anti-flirting" has its own allure. Her unflinching eye contact makes her appear challenging. The way she tosses her head suggests pride and spirit. And her world-weary observations might be cynical, but they're certainly funny. She'd appeal to a man who wants to tussle intellectually (as well as under the covers).

Get his attention, Lynette style: Dress in a slithery, slinky, cling-to-every-curve number, and any flirtatious gesture is magnified. But the joy of dressing down ‑- which is Lynette's M.O. ‑- is that you can get away with murder when it comes to flirting. Casual clothes dilute the probability that you're seen as slutty. So go for it! Stand close and do a "Di." Princess Diana's trademark was to tip her chin down and look up through lowered lashes. It not only makes your eyes look enormous ‑- a universally attractive characteristic ‑- it makes you seem slightly adoring, perhaps even a little shy. On less intelligent women, a "Di" works against you (imagine the word "bimbo" appearing in a bubble above your head). Done by someone who's clearly intelligent, however, it can make you appear more approachable.

Make the first move: Lynette might appear conservative, but she's a definite risk taker (she's a corporate girl, remember?). If you're like her, you suit a direct approach. When you feel his hands start to snake their way upward, take charge (and take his breath away) by lifting his hands and putting them directly on your breasts. If you're feeling really brave, you'll stop kissing, fix him with a wickedly lusty look, then remove your top to reveal the world's sexiest bra.

Keep him panting: They might be the apple of your eye, but children are also remarkably effective sex saboteurs. You and your man are lovers as well as parents, so do whatever it takes to stay sexually connected. Ideally, you'd have one dirty weekend away every three months. If you can't manage it, make a deal with friends who also have kids. Every weekend, someone sits all the little darlings, while the other couples get a few hours to enjoy each other.

Possible pitfalls of being a Lynette: Quite apart from salvaging a sex life from under a pile of diapers, a supersharp mind can frighten lesser mortals. Happily, most Lynettes would rather die alone and be eaten by wolves than date someone who isn't up to the intellectual challenge. Just be aware that an attitude like that can sometimes be seen as insensitive.

Are you like Bree (Marcia Cross)?

Her character:Bree embodies the term "control freak" ‑- but who can blame her for wanting to keep a tight rein? Her children are mutinous and her husband's partial to popping off for S&M sessions with another woman.

Her seduction style: From her artfully arranged and "done" hairdo to her beautifully manicured toes, look up "well groomed" in the dictionary and you'll find Bree's picture. She personifies true uptight perfection. Quirky, clever and with a body most 18-year-olds would kill for, she dresses conservatively, but those figure-skimming pencil skirts are as sexy as they are elegant. She's clearly hot, but it's not an obvious sexiness, which makes her massively appealing to a man searching for the classic "Madonna/whore" (pure in the kitchen and dirty in the bedroom).

Get his attention, Bree style: Bree's shoulders are always squared and rolled down so they sit low on her back (ideal for showing breasts off), and she positions her body so it's slightly angled, with one foot forward to make her look slimmer. Bree's pièce de résistance, though, is the way she maintains intense eye contact. During most conversations, we look at each other 30 to 60 percent of the time. But studies have shown that staring into someone's eyes for around 75 percent of a conversation can trick the brain of the person you fancy ‑- to the point that he thinks he's in love with you. So, when it comes to seduction, Bree's on to something with her intense stare.

Make the first move: Give him a champagne kiss. Take a good gulp of bubbly, but instead of swallowing (hard, I know), hold it there. Kiss him, then let a tiny amount of champagne trickle into his mouth. Wait until he catches on to what's happening, then let a little more trickle out. Get him to return the favor, and if some drips down the side of his mouth, lick it up.

Keep him panting: You're good at following instruction and sticking to a plan, so put this skill to good use with some erotic massage techniques. Apply lubricant to both your hands, then place one hand on either side of his penis. Now move your hands in opposite directions, rolling the penis between them. In other words, make like a Girl Scout and pretend you're rubbing two sticks together to make fire.

Possible pitfalls of being a Bree: Being organized is one thing, but while scheduling sex is sometimes necessary, relying entirely on that schedule is another thing. It's essential to allow for a certain amount of spontaneity.

Are you like Edie (Nicollette Sheridan)?

Her character: A bitchy femme fatale, Edie's a steely real estate saleswoman who takes no prisoners. Is she really a harlot or just misunderstood? Who cares? She certainly doesn't! Edie makes no apologies.

Her seduction style: With the body of a woman half her age (and a constant desire to show it off), it's not just the ever-present lure of sex with no strings attached that has men panting. It's Edie's unusual mix of raw, blatant sexuality with supreme confidence. Appealing to men who think "good time" rather than "long term," hers is a palpable sexuality packaged in the immensely popular blonde-haired-big-breasted form.

Get his attention, Edie style: Despite the "modern" approach to sex (any is better than none), Edie opts for old-fashioned flirting moves ‑- and for good reason; they still work a treat today. Throw your shoulders back to show off your breasts, saucily jut one hip out, raise an eyebrow, flare your nostrils and assume a smug, self-satisfied expression. The trick is to ooze confidence, and the effect is electrifyingly potent. Try putting one or both hands on your hips to take up lots of space, command presence and draw attention to your spectacular figure.

Make the first move: Satisfy your urge to show off by semi-stripping. Invite him back to your place, but instead of slipping into something more comfortable, work with what you're wearing. Start by unbuttoning your jacket and shrugging your shoulders sexily so it slides down in one motion. Undo the top three buttons of your shirt and shake your hair out. Then lean over, sticking your bottom out as far as possible, and undo the straps of your shoes, removing them so you're barefoot. "That's better," you say, before walking into the kitchen to get the drinks. Somehow, we think he'll agree.

Keep him panting: Open your toy drawer (all Edie types have at least one vibrator) and use one of your goodies on his perineum, the flat bit between his testicles and bottom. Also try holding it against his testicles as you go down on him.

Possible pitfalls of being an Edie: If you're going to wear tops slit to the waist and skirts skimming your underwear, men will jump to conclusions (namely, you're up for it ‑- and there's really no need to buy you dinner first). If you're unashamedly all for a fling, Edie's style suits you perfectly. But if you're looking for a relationship with substance and longevity, here are three words of advice: Tone it down!

Missed one of Tracey's columns? Read them all here. Check out Tracey's Love Bytes video series here.

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