Take your bedroom moves from blah to oh, baby ‑- and turn yourself into a sex goddess overnight, guaranteed. Only after you've practiced on yourself ‑- on your own ‑- will you truly be able to rock your guy's world.Watch Video: Body Issues
What does it for you?I'm guessing that those of you lucky enough to own a vibrator are now taking it out of the bedside table. But, while I am a huge fan of sex toys, unless your man comes equipped with a vibrating tongue and spare batteries, it's pretty pointless to use one for what we're trying to accomplish today. I want to help you learn each and every one of your own personal hot spots ‑- and figure out what you'll need to tell your partner to do while he's there. And that means no shortcuts.
- First, lie in a comfortable position on the bed or prop yourself up against some pillows with your legs relaxed and apart. Ignore what you've seen in his porn films: Most women don't remove all their clothes and luridly lick their lips while rubbing oil all over their breasts. Usually it's just off with the knickers, leaving everything else on.
- Squeeze out a big dollop of lubricant, and apply it to the inner lips of the vagina and clitoris.
- Start by massaging the entire area, adding more lubricant if you start to feel dry.
- Begin concentrating your movements on the clitoris. Most women avoid direct contact because it becomes so sensitive to the touch ‑- so work around it. You may discover that one side is more responsive than the other.
- Most women use the middle right-hand finger to rub, stroke or flick the clitoris as though they're strumming a guitar. Keep the rhythm steady but gentle to start. Try rubbing your fingers back and forth, skimming over the clitoris, or try moving one fingertip in a circular motion.
- Look down to see exactly where your hands are and what they're doing. If you need to, use one hand to hold a mirror. Often the technique you're using and the area where you're using it will feel very different than how it looks. And since the idea here is to teach your lover exactly how to replicate your favorite moves, you need to observe exactly what's happening. Are you moving back and forth or in circles? If you've used various touches, when did you switch from one to the other? I'd strongly advise keeping a notebook handy to write down all this information during masturbation or immediately after your orgasm. The more specific your instructions, the more likely he'll get it just right.
- Keep going until the sensation builds and seems to center at the clitoris. Some women press harder at this point; others simply keep on doing what has felt great all along.
- Again, look down and take note of exactly what your fingers are doing. How is the rest of your body feeling? You might notice that your nipples are erect, your vagina is a darker color and more lubricated, your breath is quicker than normal, and you're tensing the muscles in your thighs and bottom.
- Just before climax, you may feel hot and flushed, particularly on your face and chest (it's nicknamed "the sex flush"). An orgasm occurs when the blood that's moved to the genitals becomes too intense for that area to handle and heads back to the rest of the body. You'll experience a powerful rush of pleasure and muscular contractions in your vagina. Concentrate. Try to estimate just how long the orgasm lasts. Male orgasms last about five seconds, and female orgasms last about 15 seconds, but it varies between individuals, and it would be incredibly useful for you to tell your guy the duration of yours. That way he won't unknowingly stop stimulating you smack bang in the middle of your orgasm.
Mix it up
Now that you've got your "average" orgasm session charted, try some variations (and yes, you can break for a glass of wine and some trash TV):
- Try pressing the soles of your feet together to create tension in the groin and increase the intensity.
- Try bringing yourself to the brink of orgasm, stopping for a few minutes, then climbing back up again.
- Try doing it through your knickers.
- While most women don't insert things into the vagina while masturbating, try dipping your fingers inside; this is what he'll probably do.
- Try rubbing against something, using pressure and friction as stimulation. For example, lie face down on the bed with a hard cushion or pillow to rub against. Or sit up, holding it between your legs, and rub it back and forth. You'll need to angle yourself so the main pressure is directly on or to the side of the clitoris and keep up a pretty hard, steady rhythm.
- Clench your bottom and do Kegel exercises (squeezing, then releasing, your vaginal muscles) while you masturbate.
- Take a shower and use the shower head to direct the water flow over the clitoris, perhaps using your fingers as well.
If you're completely orgasmed out, try these other techniques on another night. But avoid using the same method each time you masturbate. The more ways you can climax, the more chance you have of recreating it with your guy in various sexual scenarios.
Show and tell
Now you're going to let him in on everything you've learned (I can hear the gulps from here). The same girl who'll happily bring herself to climax on her own often balks at doing it in front of a lover or admitting exactly what she's been up to when he wasn't around. But force yourself out of your comfort zone, and you might be surprised how easy it is once you start sharing (and the results will more than compensate for any ounce of embarrassment, I promise you). Besides, any man who isn't totally impressed by your "research" isn't worth having as a partner anyway.
Start by telling him you've got a surprise: While he was out with his friends/watching telly/working, you decided to do a little sexual exploring. Avoid making him feel threatened ("Are you saying I'm not doing it right?") by saying you read about how complex the female sexual response system is and wanted to find out how well you knew yours. If he's a confident, comfortable lover, he'll be fascinated and want to hear all about it and probably want to join your experiment right then and there. Ideally, you'd both then head for the bedroom, hand in hand. Give him your notebook and run through all the information you've compiled. You get an A+ if you demonstrate what you'd written down and an A+ if you let him put his hand on top of yours to learn how to imitate the way you're stimulating yourself.
Armed with a blueprint on how to give you an orgasm every single time, it's now up to the two of you to work out ways to introduce these techniques during intercourse and oral sex. Yes, you might find that it feels clinical and decidedly unsexy at first. But remember, these initial sex sessions aren't meant to be the steamiest you've ever had ‑- just the most informative. Once he's got the hang of it (and you), you've effectively set yourselves up for ridiculously raunchy sex for the lifetime of your relationship.
Now check out my Masturbation Memoir, a little bit about my own experience with this subject matter!