WATCH: Is Charlie Sheen the Next Food Network Star?

In his new Funny or Die video, the actor smokes cigarettes while preparing the perfect steak. "Mmm...tastes like winning!"

Now that Charlie Sheen is officially unemployed (and reportedly cash poor!) he's looking for some new ways to bring home the bacon. So why not try his hand at hosting his own cooking show?

In a new "Funny or Die" video, the former Two and a Half Men star dons a tiger-print chef's hat and debuts his new show, Winning Recipes.

"Yes, I'm doing a cooking show," Sheen says. "Why? Because, if you haven't noticed, I'm winning television right now. My plan is to be the first person to have made an appearance on every television network."

In the following few minutes, Sheen smokes about 38 cigarettes while showing the cameras around his kitchen and spouting out catchphrases. "I don't cook food -- I will it," he says.

He then shows viewers how to make the perfect steak. "I killed this cow myself," he says. "Winners stalk and kill their own food without earthly weapons. I'm not some mouth-breather at a drive-thru gorging my piehole on mass-produced monkey grub. My body is a lockbox of diamonds, uranium and assassin nobility."

The video is pretty funny, and we like that Sheen can laugh at himself. But if he really thinks he has a shot at becoming the next Jamie Oliver, then he's lost his mind. (Oh, wait a minute...)

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