Unfortunately, my hopes that the baby would begin to "kick" on a regular basis did not happen this week. I’m sure it is squirming all over in there, but it’s still too small to feel without some form of pressure on my tummy. Once in a while when Jacob misplaces his knees while I’m carrying him I think I can feel a slight protest from inside. The other night, just when I thought I couldn’t wait another moment to feel regular movements, I recalled how uncomfortable the last few weeks were with Jacob’s feet under my ribs and I thought that it may be just as well that this one is still small. I guess it’s just my pregnant emotions that can’t make up their mind because shortly after that thought crept into my head I felt extremely guilty for not wanting to feel my baby even for a moment.
I’ve said it before, and it’s proving so true this time too. The hardest part of my pregnancy seems to be months two to four and a half or so. I love being pregnant, really I do. I’ll admit that this is one of the reasons I wanted another baby. But, even pregnancy has an element or two that I don’t like, like not feeling “pregnant.” For months I felt sick and tired, not pregnant. Now I feel heavy and tired, still not pregnant. Of course, I look pregnant, and I worry about the baby constantly, but until the baby is strong enough to feel on a regular basis, I don’t think I’ll truly believe that I really am pregnant.
I know in my heart that every minute of it is worth any and all discomfort. Just one glance at Jacob reminds me of that even on the most stressful of days. So, I sit and dream of the day that our little one will arrive and I’ll be able to offer him/her all the love and comfort I share with Jacob -- even if I don’t yet fully comprehend that there’s a baby coming in a few short months.