Pregnancy journal: Week thirty-eight, end of the line?

I’m done! I’m sore! I can’t sleep! When I do doze off I can’t stop dreaming. My clothes don’t fit. My breasts are about six times their normal size (and they were too large before my pregnancy). These contractions are getting even more frequent and increasingly painful. But most importantly, I do want to meet my baby! I want to know its sex, to gaze at its new little eyes, to smell its fuzzy little head, to hold its tiny hand and imagine the impact that tiny life could someday have on the world. I want to stare in utter amazement at the whole little person Rob and I have created and ponder how one day we were a family of three and now the arrival of a unique little person suddenly makes us a family of four!

That being said, I’m still terribly afraid, but not about labor. I’m looking forward to that. I’m not afraid about coping as the mother of two. We’re all so excited I’m sure we’ll work that out. I really am afraid of the pregnancy actually ending. I’m worried that I’ll be disappointed. I’m certain that my baby, whomever it is, will be more wonderful than I’ve ever dreamed. But, like I said last week, I’m worried that this is it. For now though, I’ll concentrate on getting this baby here.

My week was long. I’ve been kept awake by those precious hiccups and squirms. I’m dreaming vividly on top of that. I’ve been worried all along because this baby is not nearly as active as it’s big brother was. The week started (the very day after the midwife appointment) with a weekend trip to the hospital’s birthing center to check on the baby’s health. We had a simple non-stress test to determine whether the baby’s lack of movement for nearly a full day was a problem. On one hand I hoped they’d have said yes and that they wanted to induce labor immediately. On the other, of course, I wanted all to be well with the baby. Fortunately, all was well and after an hour of monitoring we were sent home. A check of my cervix revealed that I was still a mere 2cm dilated and effaced about the same amount. The doctor said, the baby could come immediately or it could take another four weeks. Four weeks?! A whole month? I’d prefer to think that two weeks is the outside limit. It is, after all, a full term pregnancy.

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