Well-Intended Rudeness: How to Handle Surprise Guests
Dear Ms. Demeanor,
What do you do when friends drop by unannounced? They've been told that unannounced visits are unwelcome.
G
Dear G:
If you've already told them that unannounced visits don't work, you might have to get some new friends. Everybody is so crunched for time these days that such "surprises" are incredibly rude at best.
Before you strike these pals from your list, though, are you absolutely certain that they got your message about unannounced visits? You might think you told them, but that doesn't guarantee that they understood. We often muddy our messages when they are not pleasant or easy, so don't expect others to pick up your meaning from implied signals.
Say something like: "Much as I would love the down time, I just can't afford to stop everything for surprise visits. I end up so far behind on my (projects, housework, practice) that I never seem to catch up. If you'd just let me know ahead of time when you'd like to come over, I'd be able to work it all out." After that, if you get another "surprise," it's okay to stand at the doorway and say, "Hi! It's good to see you. Unfortunately, I'm up to my ears in (sequins, dust balls, baby diapers), so I can't invite you in."
Unannounced guests do deserve kindness, though, even if the visit is annoying. Some people just don't think. That doesn't mean that you have to jettison your plans, though. For example, you can ask the visitor to come along with you if you're on your way out. Or, if that wouldn't work, simply say "Gee, I'm just on my way to (the gym, a meeting, a date), or I'd stay and visit."
Turnabout is definitely not fair play here, though. Make sure you set a good example yourself by never showing up unexpectedly at your friends' homes -- even if they are the ones who interrupt you. Remember that the most effective -- if not the only -- way we teach anything is through our own good example.
