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As Father's Day draws near, one burning question will be asked ad nauseam by women across the country: "What do men really want for Father's Day?"
If you rely on convention and the media, you'll get us one, some or all of the staples. A round of golf, some sort of tool, good whiskey and bad ties. Don't get me wrong, those are fine gifts and we'll appreciate anything you give us. But if you're asking what we want -- if you're truly interested in knowing what most of us would REALLY like to receive on Father's Day -- it's pretty simple.
We want you. And by that I mean... hmmmm, this is a little awkward. Better to come right out with it I guess, so here goes. We want a blowjob.
I can already see the eye rolls and hear the criticism. I'm a Neanderthal, a cretin, a typical horny and juvenile male whose only interest is carnal lust. After all, Mother's Day is filled with beautiful flowers, breakfast in bed, and husbands cleaning houses so moms don't have to lift a finger for at least a day. Then come the fancy brunches complete with women opening gifts filled with lavish jewelry, followed by a day of beauty at the spa so mom can relax for a few hours.
And it's all worth it because that's what moms want. But our fatherly desires are far more basic. Simply put, a BJ is the best Father's Day present I can imagine. And here's why you shouldn't be offended by that.
I know suggesting a trip south of the border sounds crude on the surface, and some women aren't overly fond of blowjobs because they view it as work. Hell, it's got the word "job" in the title. But consider looking a little deeper at our request. Having kids is freaking tough. Totally worth it, but tough -- especially on the old sex life. Lack of intimacy can lead to a disconnect between spouses, so when we say we'd like a little loving, what we're really telling you is we still think you're sexy as hell and we want to reconnect with you. And there is no better treat that makes us feel special like saying hello to our little (um, I mean very adequately-sized) friend.
Not to mention this gift should appeal to all the financially frugal moms, since it's free. A literal giving of oneself if you will. The fancy gadgets and top-notch golf clubs are awesome and we'll love them, but we'd prefer you to putt around near the flags on our green (how many blowjob colloquialisms and golf/sex innuendos can I tee up??).
That having been said, this is not a call for all women to automatically treat their significant others simply because it's Father's Day. If you're a dad who hasn't pulled his weight then, to quote Judge Smails from Caddyshack, "you'll get nothing and like it!" Just like Santa knows if you've been naughty or nice, your wife knows if you've changed diapers, cooked dinners, helped clean the house and generally worked hard to be a good dad.
And it's unfortunate those good dads are sometimes made to feel like jerks or perverts if they actually admit they want a little somethin' somethin'. It shouldn't be considered a negative if the hard-working, devoted, dedicated dads out there just want some time alone to physically and emotionally reconnect with the person they love.
We still want to hang out with our kids and do something fun during the day. But at night, let's just say the only tie we want is one that's used to tether us to the bedpost while you go downtown.
Happy Father's Day -- and good luck fellas!