What the 'What to Expect' Movie Should Really Be About

Coming soon: a new film about pregnancy and birth -- based on the pregnancy bible, What to Expect When You're Expecting. Yup, rumor has it that Lionsgate is adapting the book into a screenplay. (Details about when it will get to the big screen and who will star in it are still unknown.) Clearly Hollywood's not big on reality when it comes to depicting childbirth (their attention to detail during the baby making, however, is astonishingly comprehensive), which is why I was surprised to hear this book was being made into a movie.

Obviously they haven't actually read What to Expect When You're Expecting, because it's as real as it gets. As any mom knows, each chapter starts with a diagram of the baby at that particular stage of development and then moves on to answer any and all questions one could possibly dream up -- and about 50 others you'd never thought of and are now really sorry that you know about. (Warning to first-time moms: Don't read the last section about things that can go wrong in childbirth. Just don't.) Plus, it has no plot line and no characters. And there's definitely no suspense -- spoiler alert: the baby is born!

Seeing as I've birthed five children and read that book cover-to-cover every time, I thought I'd give the producers some tips on what to include in the movie to stay as true to the book as possible. Here's what to really expect when you're expecting:

You'll probably pee yourself. Yes, I know you're not a senior citizen, but there will be a lot of fluid coming out down yonder and not just during the actual birth. Prepare yourself with pads and spare undies. (Side note: That old “tip” about carrying a jar of pickles in your purse to drop on the ground in case your water breaks in public? Insanity! People are going to be way more concerned about a crazy woman randomly shattering glass objects in communal spaces than an obviously pregnant woman with leakage.)

Your nipples may leak. As if southern leakage isn't bad enough, your whole body will go crazy with the bodily fluids. Your breasts start producing colostrum, the precursor to milk, way before the kid ever needs it.

Your nose will be stuffy for the entire nine months. Things swell during pregnancy, and I'm not just talking about your belly.  The membranes in your nose will balloon and make breathing even more difficult than it already is with a tiny foot wedged into your lung. In addition, your gums will swell bigger than Lisa Rinna's lips (pre-implant removal surgery, of course), your fingers might outgrow your wedding ring and even jamming your feet into flip-flops may be tough.

Post-partum depression can start during pregnancy. While post-partum depression rightly gets a lot of attention, many women don't know how common depression during pregnancy is. One in five women get it, according to the March of Dimes.

After birth, your butt will look like those baboons in heat at the zoo. Accept the mesh panties. Make the ice pack your new best friend. And remember that even though nothing will ever be the same again, your baby will remake your life to be more beautiful than you ever could have imagined.

What do you think should be included in the What to Expect movie? Chime in below!

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