When Objects Get Stuck Where the Sun Doesn't Shine

New book gives new meaning to the term bottom feeder

It may be time to rethink the phrase, "Go shove it up your butt." Because, apparently, a lot more people than you’d think are taking the command literally.

Just in time for the holidays, a book that makes the perfect stocking stuffer for the anal-retentive friend on your list. Stuck Up!: 100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn't Be is a collection of enhanced X-ray images of items doctors recovered from their patients’ rectal cavity. Ouch.

As Alice Park reports on Time.com, the book’s authors -- all doctors -- first encountered these tales from the dark side while poring over scientific journals in medical school, and the images have been burned into their brains ever since. Should you take a look at them, they may get forever marked in your memory, too.

According to the authors, Rich Dreben, Murdoc Knightmen and Marty Sindhian, men are 28 times more likely than women to lose things in their rectum, like, say, a Buzz Lightyear action figure. That should come as no surprise to women who know that men are always losing things. (If we were to put Buzz where the sun doesn’t shine, you can bet we’d remember to retrieve him). Oddly enough, these incidences that make men haul ass to the ER tend to occur when a guy is either in his 20s or his 60s. No word on how they otherwise occupy their time between those two decades.

A few years ago, I interviewed OB/GYN and author Hilda Hutcherson, M.D. who recalled pulling a light bulb out of some guy’s butt, which made me wonder if he was trying to act out a how many {fill in the blank} does it take to screw in a light bulb joke. While that was mind-blowing to me (all that sharp and breakable glass!) apparently, from the images in this book, light bulbs are child’s play. People put chopsticks, teacups, revolvers, knives, electrical extension cords and pretty much anything you can fathom into their rear in hopes of achieving new levels of ecstasy.

But that’s not the story they tell the docs. As the authors write in their book, patients come into the ER “saying something like, ‘I was vaccuming in the nude, when I suddenly fell and…’ or 'I was walking around the house naked, and I jumped into bed when suddenly...'” As if the doctors have never seen anything like it and couldn’t possibly guess what the guy was really up to.

While Stuck Up pretty much focuses on objects stuck in that one particular orifice, it’s not the only place people -- men, really -- try to stick things. My friend’s dad (an M.D.) once told us about a guy who visited the ER with paper clips stuck up his urethra. His story: that he’d been jumped and his assailants used this particular method to torture him -- for no good reason! Perhaps his story would have held if he didn’t turn up a week later saying he’d been jumped again by the very same guys. Of all the coincidences!

While I can in no way rationalize these acts, to be fair, Dr. Hutcherson does mention in her book Pleasure that it is relatively easy to lose things in the rectum -- say, if you’re a newbie or just plain distracted. If your sexual proclivities do lean in that direction, consider this fair warning: Use toys with a wide base, so you can pull them out. For those who intentionally disregard the wide-base rule, well, we hope you at least come up with a better story for the ER than "I accidentally fell asleep on a spatula."

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