Why am I having sex dreams about someone else?
Dear Dr. Patti:
My husband and I have been happily married for two years and have a little girl. We have sex regularly, so I don't know why I keep having dreams about this guy I work with. He is a hot lawyer, and every time I see him now my face gets all warm and I get nervous. He is married, but I heard that he used to fool around on his wife. Sometimes I have to go to this room where other people don't have to go very often, when I'm there, I wish he would come in there with me. I don't know if I would let anything happen, because I love my husband VERY much and would not cheat on him. Why do I keep having these dreams and these feelings about him?
Am I normal? Do you think it is okay to have these thoughts?
A
Dear A:
What makes us attracted to another person is a mystery that challenges the human spirit. That pull is the foundation for great art, music, theater and real-life drama. I wish I could tell you exactly why this is happening. Perhaps with years of analysis of your sexual and social history, one could tell. For now, here are some guidelines. There is a remarkable book written by a noted sexologist, Dr. Jack Morin, called The Erotic Mind. In it, Moran writes that there is a "formula" for erotic attraction -- attraction = excitement + perceived obstacle. The first phase in any relationship is courtship, which is a time of intense attraction and heightened desire to be with your "one and only." After the courtship phase wanes, reality begins to set in, and eventually you find your even keel. In the long term, which for some people may be months and for others years, there may be flickerings, if not forest fires, of desire for others.
My take is that your two marriages and the somewhat forbidden nature of office romances are acting as "perceived obstacles" in your case. Adding to that are the ingredients of his real signals -- gestures, words, glances and other flirtatious signs. He may be running his flag up the flagpole every time you walk by, and you cannot help but feel the urge to salute. Next time you go near the remote room where your fantasies run wild, take three deep breaths and repeat to yourself your marital vows and envision your beautiful daughter's face in front of you. Why not use this as a gift of energy that you can take home to your husband? Imagine that this flush of heat that you feel behind the copier machine might spark a new flare at home, and use it to your marital advantage.
