Why can't he orgasm when I'm on top? Dr. Ruth's advice

My partner loves it when I'm on top, so we take turns. I'm on top first, then he is -- and therein lies the problem. He can't orgasm with me on top. This really bugs me. According to popular belief, that is not normal. Why does this happen with us?


Ruth Westheimer

The original sexpert, Dr. Ruth has given advice for more than 20 years. She's hosted television shows including Sexually Speaking with Dr.... Read more

Congratulations, you've used my least favorite word in the English language: normal. I've heard that the average woman is about 5'4". I'm 4'7", so certainly I'm not of "normal" height. Now what am I supposed to do about that? I suppose I could walk around on stilts so that I could be the normal height, but let's face it, that wouldn't really work. So I'm stuck being 4'7", and I've tried to make the best of it. If you look at my life, I think you'll agree I've done a fairly decent job.

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When it comes to sexual functioning, there are many ways to find pleasure. Some people can function perfectly in every imaginable sexual position, but most people can only manage a percentage of them. So, yes, there are some men who can have an orgasm while their female partner is on top, but there are some who can't. I can't say for sure the reason why your partner can't; it could be psychological or physiological. But in sex, the most important thing is that both partners have an orgasm. It doesn't matter in which position.

Having said that, here's a theory that may answer your question: Perhaps your partner could have had an orgasm in this position at some point, but can't now because of all the pressure he feels. It's possible that he got very excited when you got on top for the first time, and in order to keep from ejaculating too quickly, he did everything he could to keep himself from getting too aroused. He did such a good job of controlling his orgasm that he couldn't bring his arousal level back up when he really wanted to have an orgasm. The next time he tried, he started to worry about whether it would work, and the worrying alone was sufficient to stop him from achieving orgasm. If that's what is taking place, the key to making a change is removing that pressure. Judging from the way you wrote your question, you're not doing a very good job of this. So instead of fretting, take it easy -- make the situation as stress-free as possible and see what happens. But even if nothing does, don't blame him (or yourself or both of you together). Just learn to accept it as normal for the two of you.


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