Why can't I have an orgasm?

ON Jan 21, 2004 at 2:50AM

I'm 24 and have never experienced an orgasm. During sex I get to the point where I feel like I need to urinate, but then it goes away. Because of this, my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex anymore. I am so confused. Please help me! --ladybackedup

Question:

ABOUT THE EXPERT

Ruth Westheimer

The original sexpert, Dr. Ruth has given advice for more than 20 years. She's hosted television shows including Sexually Speaking with Dr.... Read more

There was a time when people would call a woman who couldn't have an orgasm "frigid," but we've long since given up that term. Now we say that she is pre-orgasmic, meaning that she can learn how.

The main question I have for you is: Are you only trying to have an orgasm during intercourse, or have you tried other means? To have an orgasm, your clitoris must be stimulated, and most women do not get sufficient stimulation during intercourse to have an orgasm. Does your boyfriend stimulate your clitoris in other ways besides having intercourse? Have you tried it yourself on your own? I mean masturbation -- and I mention it because some women need to teach themselves what makes them orgasmic, what exact touches and caresses they need to trigger the orgasmic response, in order to teach their partners what to do. So if you've never masturbated, perhaps you should try that. Use your fingers or a vibrator; try it in the bath, shower or in your bed. Choose a place where you feel comfortable and just experiment with what feels good.

So practice -- with your partner, or alone if that doesn't work. And if you're still having problems, then make an appointment to see a sex therapist, because I'm sure that you can have orgasms; you just need to learn how to do it.

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Why can't I have an orgasm?

Ruth Westheimer