Why do men cheat?
Dear Sherry,
I've been in three serious relationships in three years, and all three of the guys cheated. I am a loving, caring woman who's sensitive to a partner's needs, so I can't understand why I can't keep a man! Why do most men cheat? Can you help?
Debby
Question:Sherry Amatenstein
Sherry is the author of The Q&A Dating Book and Love Lessons from Bad Breakups. She has taught dating seminars, appeared as an expert... Read more
Dear Debby,
They say bad luck comes in threes, so hopefully your run is over. Seriously, while infidelity is obviously taking place in the headlines and motel rooms across America, it's a mighty condemning blanket accusation to proclaim that most men cheat. (I firmly believe Mickey Mouse is faithful to Minnie and Popeye to Olive Oyl.)
Although your three relationships (obviously conducted one at a time) were serious to you, did the men involved realize they were half of a monogamous couple? (Like, had you laid down the law and they'd agreed?) Going on the assumption that the answer in at least two out of three cases was yes, I'll throw another question at you: How well did you truly know these guys?
Are you choosing men who don't have a good track record with past relationships, aren't reliable, trusting, communicative or honest regarding issues large and small? Are you choosing men who don't like or respect women? Here's a clue: If when referring to females a man uses the c-word (and it's not "commitment"), he's not a fan of our species. To refine your philosophy, it's not necessarily true that most men cheat, but that most men of a certain type (the worm variety) cheat.
When you start dating someone, really get to know his background, values and goals. Ask him his opinions on love and fidelity. If he says his marital role models are J.F.K. and Clinton, don't say I didn't warn you.
When you've been hurt, it's natural to put your guard up and think there are no faithful (available) men in the world. But if the theory of the self-fulfilling prophecy has any validity (and I believe it does), your negative expectations create conditions that allow for yet another negative love experience.
The moral: Be discerning about someone's character before you fall too deeply in love to have any judgment capabilities at all.
I remain -- Faithfully yours.
Sherry
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