Why doesn't he want sex anymore?

ON Jan 1, 1999 at 12:00PM

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I need to know what to do if suddenly my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex. We had a great sex life, and in a matter of days, he doesn't even touch me anymore. What do I do? --J

Question:

Dear J:

This is one of those strange phenomena in relationships. There are many possibilities as to what's going on. The first idea I have is that perhaps he is angry or upset about something you did, said, or didn't do or say. Often, in a relationship that has been heated up with passion, the fire of anger or hurt can dampen even the most burning sexual desire. In times like this, it's important to open up, talk about it and find solutions. If you think this may be the case, I encourage you to voice your concerns and encourage him to open up. Be sure to listen to him with great intent and then reflect back on what you heard. This should help heal the rift in your intimate bond. You may also want to read the now classic book by John Gray, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, to get some insights on the differences between genders and especially how that plays out emotionally and sexually.

Another possibility is that your honey has realized that you are not the image that he had projected onto you. During the early phase of a relationship, during the "in love" or "infatuation" stage, it's common for a lover to see his partner as an ideal of what he or she really is. After a reasonable time, from weeks to months, that illusion shatters and reality sneaks in. Sometimes when that happens, a lover pulls away, either in disappointment or fear (of getting too serious too soon). I suspect that your BF may have been bitten by the love bug early on and is now pulling back a bit and scratching the welts! If that's the case, time will be your ally. Give him some sexual space and find ways to spend quality time together that do not involve sexual intimacy. Have fun and do things that nurture your friendship -- always the best foundation for lovers.

Related resources:
Love Compatibility Quiz
Mismatched Libidos message board

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