Why is he always talking to his ex about us?

Dear Sherry:

I am having a real problem accepting the fact that my boyfriend of three years still talks with his ex-girlfriend of four years ago. One of the main issues is that he still discusses her abortion of four years ago with her. When I ask him to discuss the abortion with me, he refuses and says it is none of my business. I feel very left out and hurt that he cannot confide this problem with me. Furthermore, he goes to her for advice about us. I feel she is the last person he should go to about us considering she has said that she does not like me.

I am really confused and don't know whether I should let it go and not make such a big issue about it. He claims it has no bearing on our relationship but the bond they have makes me insecure. Help!

Janet

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ABOUT THE EXPERT

Sherry Amatenstein

Sherry is the author of The Q&A Dating Book and Love Lessons from Bad Breakups. She has taught dating seminars, appeared as an expert... Read more

Dear Janet:

I'm very friendly with an ex, and even go to him for "the man's opinion" about my present relationship. But I'd never confess that fact to the guy I'm currently dating. My ex is an ex for a reason: We relate better on a friendship level. Just as I'm sure your boyfriend's ex is an ex for a reason.

However, he is wrong for rubbing your nose in that friendship. You need to have a calm, rational conversation with him about this problem. Don't come at it from a "blame" position, hurling accusations like, "You make me feel like I'm less important to you than SHE is." That approach will make him defensive, which will put him on the offensive -- and you know where that leads.

Instead, try something like, "You say your friendship with her is no threat to us and I believe you. And I understand that the abortion is a sore point, so I won't bug you about it anymore. Just know that if you ever want to talk to me about it, I'm here. But I don't want you to tell me when you're talking to her about me. It just makes me feel bad and insecure."

Hopefully, this new approach will lead to more sensitivity on his part, which should trigger less insecurity on yours. Good luck.

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