"When he makes a decision and doesn't mention it until it's done, I feel discounted, like I'm the camper, and he's the counselor," one woman said to me. Since women hate feeling this way, we make an effort to include ourselves in what's going on with the man we love -- we ask the questions, we offer advice. The problem occurs when a man misinterprets our interest and input as an attempt to interfere or control him.
Women want to feel like a team with their partner. You're going to read this over and over again throughout the book, because it's one of our biggest needs and issues. So when we inquire about what's going on with our mate, or offer our input, it's not because we want to control him, but because we want to be involved. We don't need to make the final decision all the time, but we would like to be in the loop.
Unfortunately, a woman's need to be included directly clashes with the need some men have to "do it alone." It's as if men believe that receiving help or advice makes them less powerful. So men conveniently dismiss their partner's offer of help by blaming her for being controlling, and then they get to do it alone and feel autonomous.
Guys, please know that most of us women have love at the top of our agenda, not control. If we see you hurting, we want to make it better. If we see you struggling with a problem, we want to help you find a solution. If we see you not taking care of yourself, we want to offer our compassion and caring. If we see you feeling overwhelmed with worry, we want to be included so you know you're not alone. Why do we do all of this? Not because we want to control you, but because we love you!
Should you even try to change a man? Chime in below!
Excerpted from What Women Want Men to Know: The Ultimate Book About Love, Sex and Relationships for You -- and the Man You Love © 2001 Barbara DeAngelis Ph.D. with permission from Hyperion