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1. The Person Who Walks the Same Pace As You
What do you do? Speed up? Slow down? And what do you do when you accidentally graze hands? Functioning in society is hard.
2. The Slow Walker
Also known as “The Tourist,” the Slow Walker is notorious for staying directly in front of you, no matter how you try to sidestep her. Slow Walkers can often be identified by their maps, their inability to text while walking, or by just generally being the worst.
3. The Instagrammer
The Instagrammer can’t really help that a flower has poetically fallen into her path, but she can help the fact that the middle of the sidewalk is not the best place to crop or choose a filter for that photo. #Move it over to the side, people.
4. The Large Umbrella
Though nobody enjoys getting drenched in a downpour, you should always regulate your umbrella size to roughly that of an adult human. The Large Umbrella-er chooses a weapon big enough to cover a family of four, a dog and the entire newsstand when they stop for a paper. They keep the entire sidewalk dry, and keep you constantly worried about poking an eye out.
5. The Random Stopper
Just when you think the foot traffic is moving along nicely you run smack dab into a Random Stopper -- who has chosen the middle of the sidewalk to ponder her lunch options, change her status update or (tourist alert!) wonder just exactly where the hell she is.
6. The Weaver
The Weaver zigs and zags between pedestrians like he's in NFL training camp, and leaves you wondering if you’ve just had your pocket picked. Wherever the Weaver is rushing off to, it's more important than you or where you have to be.
7. The Bluetooth Wearer/Self-Talker
Has this ever happened to you? A stranger standing next to you asks where your favorite taco stand is. You answer (because that’s how you were raised). But then that stranger turns to give you the stink eye for talking to him and you see a tiny earpiece growing out of the side of his head. How were you supposed to know he wasn't talking to you?!
8. The Human Wall
The sidewalk is not a battlefield, and you and your two besties (aka "The 3-Wide Walkers") are not an army sweeping through to conquer it. When it comes to sidewalk etiquette, walking two wide is the maximum, people. TWO. WIDE.
9. Dog People
The Dog Walker somehow believes the sidewalk was engineered solely as a place for her puppy to take a walk and do business. Ever see a person walking a chihuahua on a full-extended leash? The dog is about a foot long, yet they take up the entire sidewalk. The Poop Leaver is even worse. “What comes from the earth shall return to it once more!” Poop Leavers think to themselves. Unfortunately for the bottom of your shoe this is not the Serengeti, and that is not how the circle of life works in the concrete jungle. Pick up the damn poo.
10. The Headphone Zombie
Though it looks like a human, and probably even smells like one, don’t be fooled by the Headphone Zombie’s normal exterior. Dead to the world of cars, bikes and humans around him, all that exists in the Zombie’s mind is the Coldplay song blaring through his Beats and the remaining 4 blocks of sidewalk between himself and the office.