Photo Credit: Arianne Cohen/The Sex Diaries
How often do you and your husband have sex? Is it more or less than other married couples? Arianne Cohen, the first editor of "The Sex Diaries" blog for New York magazine and author of the new book The Sex Diaries Project: What We're Saying About What We're Doing, asked singletons and married folks alike to document their sex lives for a week. We've picked some of our favorite stories below. (PS: Care to share your own married-sex life diary? Email us at iVillageParenting@nbcuni.com. Totally anonymous, of course.)
The Sexy Stay-At-Home Mother of Three
35, Faulkner County, Arkansas
6:00 a.m.: My husband kisses me and leaves for works. Still don’t get why he leaves so early. He doesn’t have to be there until 7.
7:57 a.m.: Got the kids off to school. I tried to lay back down, but the four year-old, Zakera, gave me her, “[Sigh.] Mommy, I love you.” How can I not go make her breakfast after that?
1:32 p.m.: Texting my husband. I tell him that P90X, a new workout I’ve been doing, has my entire body sore, except for one spot. Can he come home early so we can work on it?
1:33 p.m.: Husband’s leaving early.
3:39 p.m.: Husband and I just wasted 2 hours hanging out. What a waste of an empty house.
4:34 p.m.: Instead of taking the kids home from school, I’m dropping them at my sister’s. Husband and I need a do-over.
6:00 p.m.: Talking with husband about how we never seize the moment. And guess what? He accused me of not initiating sex. WTF? I texted saying I wanted sex. What do I need to do, stand in the garage naked?
7:00 p.m.: Further discussion. Conclusion: Neither of us is good at initiating sex. So we yelled and made up and then talked and then fucked. He is so good in bed. It’s nice to be so vocal during sex, and not worry about the kids hearing.
7:30 p.m.: He is in the living room playing Call of Duty, and I’m Facebooking. How romantic.
7:38 p.m.: Kids are home. Duty calls. My teenager needs to talk, my grade schooler feels like she is forgotten, and my preschooler just stepped in dog shit.
11:31 p.m.: I love my children, but I can’t wait for them to be old enough to send somewhere so I can do daddy in peace.
1:16 a.m.: Just got off Chatroulette.com, a website that men apparently go to jack off on, apparently. I went only because my friend told me about it. Kinda gross.
1:17 a.m.: I wonder if my hubby will smell my pheromone perfume, and get a hard-on and wake up and do me, like he did three times last week?
10:15 a.m.: Laying here wondering how much longer my daughter will be asleep, and my husband at the dentist. Thinking of trying a new toy I ordered. Last night I couldn’t bear to wake him up.
10:20 a.m.: I walk in the living room and guess who is there playing Call of Duty? He’s cooked himself breakfast. And not considered the other people in the house. Men! What the hell?
11:29 a.m.: I think I live my live vicariously through soap operas. I guess that’s why I expect my husband to come in and throw me down and rip off my clothes. I could text him instructions and he still wouldn’t.
1:10 p.m.: Doorbell rings. It is Fedex. I needed that package—customers have been calling. I sell sex toys parttime. I allow my regular customers to come by to shop whenever they need anything. Sometimes I feel like a drug dealer, meeting people in the Kroger parking lot. It’s funny.
2:28 p.m.: I am so excited about the new product. One customer just left, and another is heading over.
3:00 p.m.: Oh my god, it is so hot outside. Me and heat do not mix. It makes me mean. I cussed three people in traffic.
6:30 p.m.: Just got back from running all over town, meeting four new customers.
7:30 p.m.: Sitting outside my daughter’s dance class. Yesterday when we had sex, I spotted. I should tell him I’m not really on my period, otherwise I may not get any for 7 days.
7:45 p.m.: Just realizing that my sexual forecast for the weekend sucks. He’s switching back to nights. Ugh. I hate his work schedule. I call his job “Kimberly,” his girlfriend. I hate Kimberly.
1:38 a.m.: Just took a bath with my preschooler who never sleeps. Doesn’t bother me because she’ll sleep all day tomorrow and I can get some things done.
2:00 a.m.: I would love for him to roll over and fondle me. I know that won’t happen. He probably fears he will end up red-handed. I remember when we use to have a lot of sex. We still do compared to most couples. We both have agreed that sex is the glue that keeps us together. It works for us. We decided once that the next time we had a disagreement we would both come in the bedroom and get butt naked. Sure enough, neither of us stays mad any more.
2:01 a.m.: We have been together a dozen years, yet only married three. We argued some kinda terrible the year before we got married—mostly because we are both so needy, and can be real assholes. I was ready to give up on the relationship. But hands down our sex can’t compare to any of our past lovers. So to us that is LOVE.
2:38 a.m.: Just to clarify: Our kids will one day grow up and be out of our house, and then, we will still be having amazing sex with each other, and that glue will keep us together. Which is more than what I can say for some. Our sex is, and always has been, amazing.
1:15 p.m.: Laying naked in bed and talking with my husband most of the morning. I woke him with some amazing face (our term for oral sex). He was shocked and happy. Listening to his moans and grunts only made me get more into it. He’s been smiling ever since.
2:00 p.m.: We’re in the same room with Zakera, the preschooler. With our laptops, we are talking dirty about how we are gonna get naked later. We are a great Facebook couple. We flirt on each others’ posts.
7:00 p.m.: Went to happy hour with my cousin. Yes, I took my preschooler to happy hour. TGIFridays. It was fun. If I don’t enjoy adult time every once in a while, I feel like I’m losing my mind.
11:29 p.m.: Oldest daughter made it home safe from a party. I have talked to her about sex and STDs. We have talked about fingering, anal sex, and penises, erect, circumcised, and noncircumcised. One night we got on the Internet and looked at a website with nothing but penises on it, of all shades, sizes, colors, even ones with STDs. I think I grossed her out, and killed her curiosity. Which was exactly what I wanted to do.
11:32 p.m.: She goes to church school. A few years ago I told her that God put us here to procreate, through the covenant of marriage. She was about 11. She quickly said, “So you sinned because you and Daddy had sex before marriage.” Then she started naming off people in the family that had. I told her yes, but you don’t get to judge them. Only God can. That is between them and God.
12:00 a.m.: My husband’s working tonight. I really hate sleeping alone. I guess I will let the preschooler sleep with me. At least it will keep me from getting bored and masturbating.
2:47 p.m.: Sleeping on couch, after getting up at 6 am for the girls’ activities. Don’t want to disturb my husband, who has to get up for work soon. Zakera keeps coming over, stroking my head and saying how much she loves me. Really sweet. Yet I want to scream, “Leave me the hell alone, girl!”
4:49 p.m.: So my husband leaves for work, and all these weird suspicions start entering my head. Happens every time we see each other less. Now I have to play back in my head the hundreds of reasons he would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. But I can’t help but wonder. I find myself punishing him for what someone else put me through in a previous relationship.
7:11 p.m.: The last time I was sexually aroused was 36 hours ago. That was when I awoke my husband by sucking his dick. That’s so easy to type, but sounds so vulgar.
7:12 p.m.: A guy I used to date would whisper, “Suck my dick” in my ear. Oh my god, what a turnoff. I was like, “WHAT THE HELL? Who says that? No!”
8:15 p.m.: Facebook friend’s every post is about “letting God in,” or “letting go” or a Bible quote. Somewhere in there, you need to fart or fry a chicken wing or drop the F-bomb in traffic. Just sayin’. Unfriended.
3 a.m.: Texting my husband that I am imagining him rubbing my butt like he always does. He says, “Funny, I was thinking about rubbing your butt.” I love that dude!
9:45 a.m.: Realize I haven’t showered in two days. Jump out of bed thinking I don’t want my husband to roll over and try to snuggle with me, and me smell like a dead body. Shower, bank, and post office I go.
11:54 a.m.: Talking to customers and placing orders. I didn’t even have a party this weekend and made almost $300.
9:37 p.m.: Home after meeting some women to sell products to. Husband looks like he has not moved from that video game, the middle one is starving and hasn’t had her bath, and the preschooler is “checking on her ABCs,” which is her social networking. I have customers to answer, but no one has had dinner. I could bitch and complain, but that will only mean that I’ll end up so mad that at the end of the night I won’t get any.
11:24 p.m.: My husband and I are cracking up laughing, watching one of our favorite reality shows, Tough Love Couples on VH1. We’re kissing a lot. Kids are fed and in the bed. Except the preschooler, of course. I’m so glad I didn’t bitch before.
4:00 a.m.: Tried a new sex toy with my husband, which was amazing. It was a couple’s toy. I wanted to scream like I was being forced into a realm of pure ecstasy. He didn’t get as much out of it.
4:02 a.m.: I should do a commercial for this thing. My husband would be the man sitting next to me just nodding.
4:08 a.m.: What we just did was sex. Sex usually has oral sex and a lot of position changes, and is loud. You break a sweat. When “making love,” you do more looking at each other, slow sensual movement. It usually has light moaning, as much touching as possible. “Doing it” is like a nooner. One position, just go til he comes. “Having sex” is that roll over in the middle of the night when you realize he has a hard-on, so you know it’s your civic duty to handle it. Sometimes it’s awkward because you really just wanna make the hard-on go down.
10:20 a.m.: Fell asleep naked in bed with husband, with the door locked. Awoke naked laying next to Zakera. There is something so wrong with that.
10:21 a.m.: Rolling self in the sheets like a burrito.
11:00 a.m.: Husband back from orthodontist appointment. Suggest that the next time he leaves me in bed naked and alone, lock the door.
11:30 a.m.: I hear, “Moooommmy! Jasmine is looking at the nasty stuff!” I dive into the living room, thinking I left a box out . . . and she’s reading Men’s Health magazine. I say, “No baby, it’s just a half-naked girl in a magazine.”
3:15 p.m.: Planning for a toy party this weekend. I can count on one hand how many parties my husband has missed. He usually hangs out in a separate room til the party is over (unless it’s couples or coed). He drives, unpacks, packs up. People always say, “He must really love you.” We love the drives back. I am usually counting money, and we are cracking up at how the party went.
10:45 p.m.: Post-workout shower, enjoyed my removable shower head, and now I’m laid across the bed on a towel. I’m too tired to dry off. My husband is enjoying the view, I think.
12:34 a.m.: I should try this drying off thing more often. We kissed for what seemed like hours. Kissing is so important in a relationship. Trust me, it’s not something you get if you’re just sex buddies. Then sex. I think I used be ashamed of using lubes. Now I realize it has to do with so many things. If I use my removable showerhead, like I often do, the water dries me out. We just made love, by the way.