You're under arrest for eating chicken. Or is that fish?

Poor Jessica Simpson just can’t catch a break. First, she wore this.

Then, there was the whole “Is this chicken?” debacle which, while infinitely amusing, did not do much for her IQ street cred.

Most recently, the poor thing has been splashed across every magazine except (but they’re not ruling it out) Knitting Monthly for her HUGE BUTT! UNSUPPORTIVE BRA! MOM JEANS! MASSIVE WEIGHT GAIN!  (It didn’t help that she was wearing this get-up at a Chili Cookoff, methinks.)

Now, rumors are circulating (ie I read somewhere on a blog) that the singer has hired a “food cop” to monitor her diet. According to a mysterious-sounding “source”:

"She just can't resist junk food. She literally needs to be watched all the time. Jessica has a problem with binge eating, which is usually triggered by stress…Jessica's most recent violation was indulging in the terrible trio of chicken wings, nachos, and alcohol at the Great Dane Pub in Madison, Wisconsin."

(PS I graduated from UW-Madison and have been to the Great Dane for many a drunken sorority get-together. Their nachos are, indeed, food cop-worthy. Their Long Islands need a sober monitor.)

But what exactly is a “diet cop”? A nutritionist with handcuffs made of sausage links? A hardcore personal trainer who barks orders at you so loudly his spittle blinds you and you fall off the treadmill? A secret service agent-type wearing dark sunglasses and a slimming bulletproof vest who tails you all day long, whispering things like, “We’ve got her eating an egg white omelet at a diner at the corner of 38th and Lex but it’s drenched in hi-cal ketchup. Please advise.”

What do you think is entailed in this mystery position and, if you could afford one, would you hire one? Would you want someone looking over your shoulder all day long, commenting on what you put in your mouth (besides you nice Jewish mother, I mean.) Spill!!

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